Mood:Sadness
Song of Choice:"End of the World" by Ayumi Hamasaki
Topic: My Grandfather
Days That Have Passed Since I sent Eric's Letter: 2 Weeks
Days Until 4 Day Weekend:3
Days Until Spring Break: 62

::sigh:: The anniversary of my grandfather’s death is coming up…I really don’t know how to feel…I dread this month…it’s always kinda hard on me especially since he passed He died of prostate cancer( I think no one really told me) …February 13th a Friday…it’s been years but to me the wounds still fresh…feels like yesterday…I miss him a lot…he was always such a good man strong and loving gentle and smiling…the one person I could always count on you know….I think I stoped being carefree and truly happy when he passed…but I think it was the severity of it.

You see I was just a child no concept of death or other such travesties…then in one false swoop death came like a thief in the night and stole my grandfather…I remember that day perfectly…those images burned into my mind my father was the one that told me…we were walking down the street after I’d been playing all day with my cousins…my uncle had taken us out he knew about it too…my dad told me and he was fighting back the tears himself…I was like 10 I think for me it was the end of the world…

I think that’s one of those moments that mark the beginning of you really growing up…that was my first lesson on the road to being an adult death the passing of a loved one…from there foreword I was a dark and serious child contemplative and the like melancholy…

My Father wanted him buried in a veterans cemetery next to his brothers in arms on a field of honor…but my grandmother wouldn’t have it oh no never…God I hate her so much…I remember that I…I sat in the car during the funeral…and cried I couldn’t go out there…

I…ah…I never saw my grandfather sick…or in a hospital bed I never got to visit him one last time…um…I never saw him in his coffin…but you know what I think it’s better this way…I don’t think my 10 year old mind could have handled it…I doubt I could handle it now…

More than anything else that was my saddest moment walking next to my father in the street in front of my grandfather’s house and being told that…that hurt me more than any of Michael’s lies my parents failures any physical injury nothing to this day can compare to that earth shattering moment in my life…I didn’t have a grand father anymore…that I think was the day that I lost my innocence when I stopped being a little kid…when death held my hand and walked me out of that childish happy time in my life…yeah…that was definitely a defining moment in my life…

More then anything I want to go visit his grave and place flowers there and just talk to him you know…not alone I’m not strong enough…but not with my family…I want to visit it with the man I love…man I marry…I think to help him understand a few things about me you know to afford me a little strength…you know kinda introduce myself to my grandfather not as his little granddaughter but you know the eldest and most mature of his grand children.

The reason I’m writing this now is because my grandmother sent this evil letter to my mother and I consider it a great act of disrespect to dear send something like that on this month…how dare she…I hate her with ever fiber in my being but one day…she will have to face my words for one day I will be an adult in every way and she will not be able to silence me and she will hear the truth from my lips I speak only truth for I am my grandfathers descendant and I carry the same courage and valor as he did.

Besides I think I needed to get this outta my system…thank you all for listening…I really appreciate it...